hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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