Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
