I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
