I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
