he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
