Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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