Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
