I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
sarcasm needs its own font
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
