Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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