I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
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Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
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