Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
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