i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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