did you get engaged???
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
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