You would DIE at the bar we're at right now. All indian/asian med students, I swear
Asian doctor ratio. So hot. I would've gone into heat
Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Randomize
