I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
