i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
