you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
