She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Randomize
