last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
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