Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
