He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
