I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
