... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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