She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
