i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
