Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
