he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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