Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Randomize
