Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
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You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
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I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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