So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
