At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
