i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
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