I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
