Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
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All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
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