Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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