o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
