Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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