I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Randomize
