i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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