dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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