Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
