I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
