I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Randomize
