I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
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