guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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