Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I find it funny that "sexual harassment" contains the phrase "ass sex". Let me know what your thoughts are on the matter.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Randomize
