I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Randomize
