Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
Randomize
