We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
