Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
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