I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
