I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
