OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
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