hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I faked an abortion last night.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
