Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
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