If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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