Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
