get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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