k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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