mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Randomize
