my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
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