be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
