Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
