new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Randomize
