i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Randomize
